A source from inside the First Bus Service’s ‘Research and Development’ division has outlined plans
to cut costs for daily users of the 25 Bus, while doubling capacity.
“It’s simple really, I don’t understand why this hasn’t been done before,” said spokesperson Dale Speaming.
“What we’re going to do is essentially add two more floors to our current double-decker models,
for a gigantic increase to capacity and a minor decrease to safety.”
New ’50 Bus’ will have twice as many levels as the 25
Experts under the employ of First Bus claim that the ‘Quadruple-Decker’
will provide transportation for thousands of students upset with the overcrowded 25,
with a spiral stairway through all four floors,
a lift for disabled commuters,
and a race-grade roll cage for those tight corners.
The new ‘50’ will be 20 meters tall and 12 meters long,
making it a dynamic addition to the local skyline at any time, day or night.
Such expansive heights have brought controversy however,
after a prototype model in France led to irreparable damages to the Arc de Triomphe.
Local MP Adam Jogee dismissed concerns over property damage, stating:
“Public infrastructure will not be damaged by the new model,
and frankly we don’t have anything worth protecting here in Newcastle-under-Lyme.”
Students in Chancellor’s Building sidelined by alligator pits
Alligators swamping the Chancellor’s office.
Our team were contacted last week by the president and ringleader of Keele’s official secret society,
to inform us of their postponing their grand reveal.
“The traps are set, influence is secured, now we must wait for the perfect time to make ourselves known,”
“We’ve been influencing Union elections, paying off lecturers,
even bribing security to allow us to operate in the basement of the Walter Moberly building,
where we have built a nefarious shrine to our dark lord Baphomet.
Alas, the time is not right, so we shall keep to the shadows for now.”
Our reporters met with the clandestine group over a disappointing danish pastry
in an anonymous location within Chapters Cafe,
where the society’s plans were outlined.
“We have a mole in the committee of the Taylor Swift Society,
consolidating their grip on power as we speak,
soon we will have an agent in a position of power everywhere on campus.
Really, the only thing that could stop us now
is if some idiot reveals us to the world before our plans are expedited.”
