Dissatisfied with your student-led newspaper? Feel like it doesn’t truly represent you? Hungry for more, like dear reader Alex? Discourse is here to relieve your misery, with a fresh newspaper that verily cares and tends to your every need. Below are (some of) the proposed sections:
Repping My “Repping My Landlord”:
Struggling with quality and genuine submissions for articles? Staring at an empty screen awaiting a single response? Don’t worry, Concourse is too! No matter – simply fabricate a community of tenants yourself, and cut-out the middlemen. To mirror our beloved newspaper’s riveting section ‘Repping my landlord’ (or some variation), Discourse would aim to pit our imaginary community of Concourse readers against their imaginary tenants, with fun-filled stories and descriptions exposing THE TRUTH behind every ‘Dear Landlord’ lie.
Comics that are Thinly Veiled First-Hand Experiences of our Team
Tired of reading comics that aren’t about YOU? So am I! Here at Discourse, we aim to boost our ego with every panel. Everything you read will be about ME. Every character included will be uncanny – in a cute way – and help you reminisce about myself. I will further feature my various lovers, but largely my preferred one. I hope you derive pleasure from my mundane everyday activities, like making pancakes on pancake day GASP. How couldn’t you?
C.H.A.P.E.L: Concourse House for Administration, Procedures, Efficiency and Leadership
The Discourse team has noticed positions within Concourse that could be made redundant, to improve overall output quality. Namely: The Editor-in-chief, Deputy Editor-in-chief, Treasurer, Concourse sub-editor, Shallot editor, Culture editor, Keele & Beyond editor, Opinion editor, Current Affairs editor, Science & Technology editor, alongside all other writers and contributors. We firmly believe the removal of these positions would greatly benefit the society’s workflow, and our beloved Concourse in turn. This section would discuss our proposed roadmap for such alterations to the society. If you fear these changes are too drastic, or unfair, fear not! All removed team members will be subsidised with half-bars of chocolate.
Keele Card Competitions & More
Wondering where the FUN is in Concourse? Look no further than Discourse. We will feature various exhilarating games on our final pages. For example, KEELE CARD MANHUNT; with each issue, we will pick a random student ID for students and staff to track down. The first to find them, and display photographic evidence, will win a packet of Marlboros and a meeting with a mystery guest. KEELE CARD SHIPPING: every issue will further pick two random students using their student IDs, planning them a blind date and inclusive (but not mandatory) Uber to gossip. WHO’S THAT LECTURER: every issue will feature the silhouette of a mystery lecturer for readers to identify. WHAT COLOUR IS THE KEELE DRAGON TODAY: Not a catchy title – I know – but what it lacks in memorability it makes up for in FUN. Like ‘who’s that lecturer’, the silhouette of the Keele dragon is shown, and your job is to guess what colour we’ve photoshopped it today! Note that, due to printing costs, the answer books will NOT be made available. The fun’s in the game!
We believe at Discourse a new page needs turning, to truly create a student-led and interesting newspaper for Keele. Therefore, we will accept the immediate dissolution of Concourse, or repentance in the form of a three-day public humiliation by shallot-throwing at the forest of light. After repentance, we will dissolve Concourse into Discourse, altering it as outlined in C.H.A.P.E.L. The choice is yours, Concourse!
PLEASE NOTE THIS IS SATIRE – DO NOT HUNT DOWN ANY SPECIFIC STUDENT NUMBERS. I WILL NOT BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS OR QUERIES.
