Another year, another round of voting for our Student Union representatives. We might pretend not to notice, but the shabby truth is this: the CIA is once again investing tremendous resources to install its handpicked puppets into the four officer positions—for the sole purpose of advancing American interests on British soil.
It’s time to wake up.
How many times have we peeked through door cracks to see men in suits whispering about foreign elections? How many of us have suffered the Thursday morning memory wipes? And what about the Men in Black spotted lurking in the bushes near Keele Hall? This, friends, is irrefutable proof of a deep and well-funded CIA presence on Keele Campus.
An anonymous source, met beside a suspiciously clean bin, revealed that “For over 60 years, the CIA has propped up every single SU Officer in sham elections. They’ve protected them from local revolutionary communist groups, facilitated Keele’s booming underground drug market, and opened the campus up to hostile U.S. investment.” The source further claimed that the recent death of a Wellbeing Officer candidate—Francisco Herrera—was, in fact, a state-sanctioned assassination.
“Francisco was a force for change. He lived for wellbeing. He died for wellbeing.”
Meanwhile, covert operatives are given blank cheques to run wild across campus: right-wing think tanks posing as debate societies, mind control experiments in the Central Science Labs, and who can forget the manufactured ketamine epidemic in Horwood?
Our team met with a trench coat-wearing figure who told us,
“We need the Agency here. Think how it was before they came—slavery, injustice, abject poverty. As far as I’m concerned, the CIA brought democracy to an underdeveloped part of the world.”
This man led us to a small, unmarked warehouse, a plot of land mysteriously not subject to international law, where we endured what he described as an ‘Enhanced Interview.’
Since deciding to publish this exposé, vicious rumours have begun circulating, branding The Shallot as a source of fake news. We would like to clarify that these accusations are undoubtedly the work of meddling spooks. Our lawyers, rest assured, are litigious and very bored—they are more than ready to take action.
Stay woke. Stay vigilant. And always question the man in the bush.
