The Forest of Light Replaced by the Vice Chancellor’s Bronze statue

Students and staff woke up yesterday to find that the “Forest of Light” had mysteriously vanished overnight. In its place, in Union Square, stood a 100-meter-tall bronze statue of the honourable Vice Chancellor, named “The Beacon of Success” or B.S. for short.

The official university press release hailed this bold new development as “a strategic investment in Keele’s visual identity,” ensuring that students and faculty would no longer be distracted by irrelevant symbols of “freedom,” “learning,” and “self-expression.” “In these trying times, it is vital that we consolidate our resources,” the statement read. “What better way to represent Keele’s values than with an enduring image of strong, unwavering leadership?”

It is unclear how the statue was financed, but an internal memo suggests that its construction coincided with a series of mysterious “cost-saving” measures. Among them: stealing students’ own clothes and selling them back in a popup event in the ballroom, the introduction of a new “Bring Your Own Lecture Room” policy for lecturers, and an experimental program scrapping Panopto and replacing it with prerecorded inspiring voice messages of the Vice Chancellor’s speeches.

“It’s a masterstroke of efficiency,” stated senior administration, who requested we now call them “the Black Order,” and who have also stated that, “With fewer staff members, students will have the privilege of absorbing knowledge directly from the statue’s unwavering gaze.”

Student opinion, however, is split. “I just don’t understand how this is supposed to help my dissertation,” lamented a third-year philosophy student. “They replaced the kitchen sinks with medieval wells FOR THIS! I’m making indomie out of fridge water for God’s sake.” However, some are extremely passionate about the new landmark. “I was unsure about it, but the eyes have made me see,” stated a professor dancing at the statue’s feet, and “Let him achieve your salvation,” said a Business student who would scream if we got too close.

Most faculty members attempted to voice concerns, but after seeing their peers beamed up by the statue’s all-seeing eyes, the commotion slowly wavered. When we consulted “the Black Order” about the sudden disappearance of staff members, they responded that the student-lecturer ratio was now “perfectly balanced, as all things should be,” and that recent beaming’s were “inevitable.”

Meanwhile, students have launched a desperate crowdfunding initiative to reinstall the Forest of Light. However, experts suggest that the new bronze statue may be too costly to remove, and that there is biblical evidence that its placement is ordained by God.

Thus, it will soon be granted honorary tenure by the US, who have also declared the Keele UCU as “dangerous terrorists.”

The statue is a shining symbol of efficiency and bold leadership. All I can say to the students of Keele is to look into his eyes and let him guide you. Glory to McMillan.

(This reporter disappeared into the Keele Woods and was never seen again.)