As of recent, the student union have received an influx of complaints about the completion of the Keele Quintuple, claiming it was “too short”. The Keele quintuple challenges students to have intercourse in 5 key Keele landmarks, consisting of Keele Hall, the Student Union, Keele library, the woods, and the chapel. This challenge was thought to be satirical, until after Shag Week, when our social media officers were bombarded with aggressive and sexually charged messages, claiming that the Keele Quintuple was “too short” and “more shag places” were required. After much discussion between high ranking officials, the choice was made to add “Keele tunnels” which were old service tunnels used for water and electricity. The tunnels are now abandoned and students have been informed to keep out, yet keep visiting despite warnings.
Members from Concourse were sent to interview students who frequent the tunnels; whom, when asked about their experience in the tunnels, said:
“I must be trippin’”
or
“call an ambulance”
amidst incoherent screaming. Given this evidence, the Student Union solidified the tunnels as a safe location, and have deemed it an addition to the new and improved “Keele Sextuple.” After consulting the Squirrel Bar and bribing several of the workers, they have introduced a ‘celebratory pint’ for those that complete the Sextuple, given that sufficient evidence is provided from each of the locations (though camera footage from the woods may already be archived).
