“Why are there so many alligators in this building?”
This was the question on the minds of multiple students upon being engorged by a hungry congregation of alligators on their way to lectures last semester.
Many in the University community have been raising concerns since 2020,
when the alligators were introduced as a way to enforce social distancing in Chancellor’s Building,
however their qualms, as well as their screams, have since gone unheard.
A spokesperson from the Student Union claims that
“These creatures have served campus life massively,
from dealing with the notorious boar problem that plagued us in 2019,
to ensuring that double-booked rooms are cleared efficiently
by whichever member of staff has more gazelles at hand.”
Increasing pressure is being put on university officials to stand down the use of alligators on campus,
as many claim that they present a threat to a healthy student mindset.
Wes Roading, a second-year Astrophysics student, says that on his first lecture back after the winter break he was:
“Hanging on a slither of free hallway,
‘Gators to the left and right of me,
I had to ‘Crash Bandicoot’ my way to the room by hopping on their backs.”
We later asked Wes how this affected his mental health,
but he could not answer, for another alligator had entered the room.
“I get that they didn’t want us to crowd the rooms and hallways during the virus,
but now things are better and I think the Chancellor has put so much money into their purchase,
food, enrichment and medical care that they can no longer justify selling the animals.
I think they just like having an alligator pit,” said Wes, from the balcony.
Our reporters can confirm that university leadership is considering changing the policy,
with talks of a ‘Wolf Cavern’ gaining significant traction.
