Fans of the acclaimed rapper Tion Wayne were met on Saturday by a well-armed checkpoint, manned by a committed host of security officers before entering the venue.
Representatives from the Union have signed off on an increase in the budget of the security department by 410%, ensuring that every time a Black artist performs at Keele, students are sure to be beset on all sides by professional goons armed with batons, crowbars, scythes, pitchforks, knuckle-dusters, and short tempers.
Said the Head of Campus Security:
“Safety is our number one concern. That’s why we’ve ramped up our efforts in recent years. It is vitally important that we arm our valiant security forces with the blunt instruments they need to deliver a calm, jovial, and inclusive atmosphere in the Student Union.”
Students have criticised the Union, claiming that the measures are racist, pointing out that a disproportionate number of security officers were hired either straight from the Millwall FC Ultras or the local Eric Clapton fan association.
First-year medical student Femi Oladele said:
“We had a Coldplay cover band perform last month and the place was sold out.”
“Security were handing out dreamcatchers and singing ‘The Scientist’ in joyous harmony. Where was that energy for Tion Wayne?”
In the interest of dispelling students’ concerns, Union representatives have since announced that they will hire a madman with a crossbow to oversee the Taylor Swift nights.
